CHILD LOSS & FAITH
With this being the week of losing my daughter to Influenza A six years ago on March 25th, I wanted to write this special post to let other parents who have lost a child due to illness, disease, or accident to know that it is okay to lose faith. We should never have to bury a child in our life. But, sadly it happens all the time.
For me, I lost my faith after the death of my daughter for two years. I drank and smoked daily, eating as unhealthy as ever, and dismissed my faith in myself and my higher power. Who could blame me after losing a child? Most of the grieving parents I know do the same thing but some for the rest of their lives. Trying to numb the grief or even thinking that when you are intoxicated and laughing that the grief is gone, is only temporary. The reality sets in the moment you get home. That is what happened to me.
I woke up one day with the worst hangover ever and after that day of worshipping the porcelain god for 12 hours, I vowed to never drink or smoke again! I am going on four years now sober and smoke-free! And this is year six of my daughter’s death from Influenza A at the age of 20 years old, instead of getting drunk, I am writing this!
How am I doing today? Well, I believe I am off the auto-pilot mode. I do struggle with family gatherings. Sometimes I am good and other times I just walk out to my vehicle, sit inside, and cry. Then I go back in and know everything will be fine. That is when I know she is with me, helping me get through the pain.
Then there are times like this past weekend that my sister came up, my sister-in-law came up to dads with her kids and no one told me. When I found out, I was not happy, and I spoke my peace. I have found my voice once again. I don’t think that will happen again.
I do a lot of breathing when I feel my tummy getting tight with anxiety. I close my eyes and pray, “Please help me.” I was put on anxiety meds 2 years after she died after I started having panic attacks. My boss made the comment she was surprised I wasn’t already on them when I told her. That was most likely because I was still numb and in shock. Once that started wearing off, I started having issues. I still take my meds but at a lower dose. I keep hoping doing meditation will help so I can go completely off of them. Still no success with that part yet. It will come, I have patience.
So, for me, the death of my daughter brought the death of me, also. That is in other people’s minds. I figured out that learning to live on my own without the support of family and friends, I was able to find my faith in my higher power once again. That is why I am here today, writing, sharing my life experiences with you. I believe that is what I am meant to do.
(If you ever want to reach out, please email me at francesroberta95@outlook.com)
This is one moment at a time for me now and I have come to accept that. Until next week, hug your children and tell them you love them!
